Recent press reports suggest that the powers that be may not be prepared to spend sufficient money on the venues for the London games. However the London Olympic Games Organising Committee (LOGOC) has just returned from Beijing brimming with ideas as to how to stage the games in a very British fashion (not all that Chinese flash and techno stuff) and at the same time keep within the budget of a few thousand quid voted by Gordon Brown's government.
Here are just some of them:
Opening Ceremonies - will take place at Buckingham Palace. Tea will be served to invited guests - one per country or two if you're part of the Commonwealth - plus David Beckham. The Queen will be in attendance and after shaking everyone's hand will declare the fete open and everyone will light his or her sparkler (provided) and collectively light the Olympic flame holder. Don't tell anyone but we think we've got a good one here - a giant asbestos Guardsman with the flame coming out of the Busby.
Accommodation - will be at the City YMCA. It has 350 beds so athletes will get a bed there only on the night before their event, otherwise it's the Underground or the parks. “These young "uns are far too pampered” commented Sir Arthur Plimsoll-Brown, chairman of the LOGOC in a prepared statement, “do them good to see what we had to put up with in the war while their grandfathers were bombing us”. David Beckham will occupy the one suite throughout.
Swimming and Diving events - a section of the Thames at Tower Bridge is to be cordoned off with those floaty things. Diving will take place off various bits of the bridge at different heights. No springboard stuff this time - Brits are no good at it anyway. To prevent judges getting frostbite sitting on the Embankment for days on end, hot water bottles and blankets will be issued.
Synchronized Swimming - will be banned and replaced with a proper sport with far less make-up - cricket. Matches to be played at the Oval with the final at Lords. Being the hosts, fixtures will be arranged so that Britain will play non-cricket-playing nations until the final to give them some sort of a chance.
Gymnastics - they go on waaaay too long - not sure we can be bothered. We"ll get back to you.
Wrestling and Boxing - will take place in the House of Commons though it is unlikely anyone will notice that anything out of the ordinary is happening.
Track and Field - White City Dog Stadium, Shepherds Bush - the hare will be dressed in a Union Jack holding a pint of best to give our boys a boost.
Cycling - will take place at the Velodrome in Manchester (a suburb of London - we love it, you will too).
Weightlifting - will take place at Smithfield Market where it is expected that the meat-handlers will win all the medals and they have the big knives anyway if there's a problem.
Soccer - Wembley where else? All nations will however need to be able to sing “Abide With Me” in their native tongue to be allowed to take part.
Ping Pong - yes we know it's called table tennis in countries that win all the medals but it becomes ping pong when you're playing with cracked balls and bats with no pimples left on them. Venue: Prospect of Whitby pub. Strong suggestion to foreign teams not to win their matches in this part of London.
Shooting - will take place in south London at a recreation of the legendary Battersea Fun Fair. 6 little men knocked down will win bronze, 9 silver, you get the picture, and to save tantrums even 3 will get you anything off the bottom shelf.
Note: we'll need to you to go on all the rides and buy candy floss to help pay for all this extravagance.
Sailing and Rowing - we already have the Royal Victoria Dock Watersports Centre for these events if you don't mind. In fact, the rowing bit is within a smidgin of being full Olympic length, so there.
Tennis - will be played at Wimbledon of course and no, we will not be changing the surface for sissies who don't like playing on grass because it bounces funny. Please supply your own balls as we are running short and these days people seem to want new balls every five minutes. If there's enough time/interest we might do some badminton there too.
The Marathon - in case of inclement weather and so no-one can get lost this will be run on part of the Underground known as the Circle Line. Jury is out as to whether the trains will be stopped, given the loss of revenue.
Closing Ceremonies - The Queen has put her foot down on two Buck House parties in a fortnight now she has to help with the clearing up so we're thinking major street party/piss-up with pubs open all day and sausage and mash and fish and chips available on every street corner at reasonable prices. We'll show the world we know food once and for all. Any beer left will be poured over the Busby to put the flame out.
If we've forgotten anything please drop a note to LOGOC, c/o Sir Arthur Plimsoll-Brown or you can catch up with him at his club. (For a large scotch he can get you good tickets too.)
NOTE - the word "medal" is not a verb and will not be used as such at any time during the London Olympics - this means you NBC, ABC, CBS and CNN. The Tower of London's equipment is still in working condition for anyone who might forget.
Vocab - it's not too soon to start mugging up on London phrases. Here are a few to practice which you will hear from typical Londoners:
- Cockney - "ow are you, me old china? (not a reference to Beijing)
- Bobby - wot"s all this then?
- Tealady - nice cuppa luv? Wiv a bicky?
- Bus conductor - hey mon, where you off to?
- Publican - wot's yours then?
- Underground worker - moind the gap!
- Restaurant server - I am not understanding - did you say vindaloo or madras?
