This week, sports fans around the world have been tuned into the latest installment of the Los Angeles Lakers/Boston Celtics rivalry. It's up there with the Yankees versus Red Sox, Ohio State versus Michigan, and my wallet versus gas prices. Having grown up watching the classic 1980's battles between Magic and Bird, McHale and Worthy, Kareem and Parrish, part of me can't but help feel as giddy as Ryan Seacrest at a Coldplay concert (you know how I know he's…). Unfortunately, there's a little voice inside my brain that's telling me I'm being duped by the “Dick Cheney” of sports commissioners, David Stern.
Last year, the N.B.A. Finals between the ultra-vanilla San Antonio Spurs and Lebron James (yes, it was just him) garnered the lowest television ratings in Finals history. You see, sports are entertainment, whether us purists want to admit to it or not, and we're not going to waste hours watching that super-groovy stalwart, Tim Duncan, go against the biggest stiff since Ron Jeremy, one Zydrunas Ilgauskas (again, it was Lebron against the entire Spurs team).
Enter the puppet-master, the dream-weaver, the illegitimate child of Barnum and Bailey - Mr. David Stern. He did what artists, musicians, and businessmen have been doing throughout history when times get tough - he got back to basics. I can imagine him in his silk pajamas, dreaming away in his New York Penthouse, when he suddenly sprung out of bed and scribbled down just two words…Lakers…Celtics. It's no different than Bono falling out of bed and scribbling down a good lyric or an Exxon Executive falling out of bed and scribbling a higher gas price (you can tell I'm a little upset about the gas prices).
Once he had the two names, Stern went to work. That was and has always been his genius. First thing he did was make sure that the game's greatest player, Kobe Bryant, stayed on the Lakers. Who knows, maybe he even kicked a little extra into Bryant's bulging coffers so the Lakers' star would for once behave like an adult.
Next, Stern made sure that Kevin Garnett left that media juggernaut, Minnesota, and landed on the Celtics. Amazing, considering everyone in the league was after him. Stern even added Ray Allen to the mix, since the Celtics were going to need A LOT of help if they were going to make the Finals.
And still he wasn't done. Stern realized that “Baby-Shaq”, Andrew Bynum, was probably still a year away from helping the Lakers advance, so Stern arranged the most lopsided trade in N.B.A. history - Pau Gasol for some less than stellar talent and what are sure to be less than stellar draft picks - simply, brilliant.
Everything fell into place. The Celtics and the Lakers had the two best records in the Eastern and Western Conferences. The playoffs started and all looked well. Both teams started off with impressive wins. Unfortunately, the Celtics and Father Time didn't keep up their end of the bargain. While the Lakers cruised through their opponents like George W. through a Second, no, First Grade Spelling Bee, the Celtics suddenly looked, well, old. They struggled through two seven game series with the Atlanta Hawks and the Cleveland Cavaliers (oh, now I remember, that's the name of Lebron James' team).
During their Conference Finals, the Lakers worked over the Spurs with a combination of Kobe, speed, and youth. Celtics, however, found themselves in a grueling grudge-match with the Detroit Pistons. The series went to 3-2 after a Game Five nail-biter. I can imagine the Prince of Darkness, um, I mean David Stern, realizing that his Celts were probably headed to a Game Seven. Not once to leave things up to fate, I know in my heart that the Detroit/Boston Game Six was not the real deal, Holyfield. I'm sorry, but I smell a rat and yet at the same time, I'm still as giddy as Ryan Seacrest at a Hannah Montana concert (again, do you know how I know he's…see 40 year old Virgin for punchline). You see, I've come to accept the David Stern-led N.B.A. for what it is - a souped up version of “professional” wrestling. I accept it, because I too want to watch the purple and gold versus the green and white. Sure, they don't wear the short shorts anymore, but still there's something magical about the Lakers/Celtics and all great rivalries. It's why we watch sports, even if it's kind of, sorta rigged.
*Of course, now it appears that those old geezers, the Celtics, are going to win the title, so what do I know? Who knows, maybe Stern purchased some Viagra from former Boston great, Roger Clemens, to help the old guys with their “endurance”. The bastard!
